I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
