A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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