My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
