Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
