Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
You can't special order awesome
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You've changed since you got that strap on
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE