sarcasm needs its own font
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
