Are we in a gay sports bar?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
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Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
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We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.