I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
did i walk over a car last night?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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