I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
