woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My brain says no but my pants say off.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
