when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
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When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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