I am puke
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
