my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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