I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
