This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
