Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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