people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sacagawea was the original milf.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
