I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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