Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
