wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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