Kiss
Puke
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
