Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
