just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
