just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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