After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
