i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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