Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I party with great urgency now.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
