I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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