you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
