I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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