I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
