I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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