He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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