I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
