She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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