i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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