do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize