pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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