Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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