hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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