You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
