she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
