I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
