im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
