I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Bring me that man meat
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
