I think I died a long time ago.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
