xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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