And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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