garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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