I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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