my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
