playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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