Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
