You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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